I See a Bush Moon Rising

As we know, all ecological disasters can ultimately be traced back to Bush's refusal to ratify Kyoto. Sunspots. Earthquakes. The extinction of the dinosaurs. Even that funky business going on with the moon last night. Indeed, the timing of this whole moon thing seems especially suspicious - coming practically on the eve of our elections and all.

Despite what the fundamentalist biblethumpers will have us believe, lunar eclipses are not a "sign from God", nor are they caused by planets magically moving around in space. Obviously, there's a more scientific explanation. Caused by a high density of pollutants in the air - i.e. SMOG - a lunar eclipse is like a canary in the coal mine, signaling an ecosystem on the verge of collapse thanks to years of Bush's reckless environmental policies.

Shrub does not bear all the blame, however. With our culture of mass consumption, all of us have played a part in causing these bizarre celestial events. According to the The Communist Party USA - a non-partisan, grassroots organization dedicated to carrying on Joseph Stalin's legacy of environmental preservation - the United States consumes 85% of the world's natural resources and is responsible for over 97% of all pollution. Meanwhile, smaller, non-developed nations like Zimbabwe and France are left holding the bill. Every few years, 750,000 French citizens suffer needlessly from the adverse effects of lunar eclipses - eclipses caused by America's wholesale gang-raping of Mother Nature. During a surprise eclipse in 2003, the entire French city of Bordeaux unconditionally surrendered to the moon for several hours. Bush has yet to issue an apology.

The time has come to get over our primitive concept of "sovereignty" and join the International Community. As a dog will invite chiggers to clamp onto his flesh and sap away his very life essence, we too must reach out to our third world neighbors and give them complete regulatory control over our industry and trade. Some may call this a "radical" idea, but desperate times call for hysterical screeching. The United States is just too corrupt to keep its own house clean, and therefore must rely on the wise guidance of our benevolent UN elders.

Top scientists predict that if we maintain our current course of relentless environmental destruction, another lunar eclipse may occur as early as 2007. However, this may be the least of our worries. Unless we nationalize our economy and surrender all private property, Columbia Professor Al Gore warns that we can expect an ecological disaster like the one foretold in the shocking documentary The Day After Tomorrow, in which super-intelligent tornadoes seek out and destroy major Los Angeles tourist attractions, and gusts of cold air chase people down library hallways.

I don't know about you folks, but I'm not looking forward to spending my retirement in snowy Tijuana. On Tuesday, I'll be casting my vote for John Kerry. He defended this country as a young man, and he'll return the moon to it's rightful hue as our President.

Comments

[Amber]

Ironically, your scientific evidence link is broken.

[Impaled Professor]

I fully agree with the CP-USA. Can it be any coincidence that people in capitalist countries consume natural resources while those in Zimbabwe and France do not? I think that it's pretty clear that Halliburton is driving this Mother Earth-raping, Eclipse-causing policy of destruction.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

I knew the dinosaurs couldn't have simply
gone extinct from any "natural" occurrence.
200 million years of evolution perfected them
as living treasures. Only the greed of man
and the wonton destruction of Gaia Earth
Mothers' fragile ecosphere could snuff out
the life of such proud and noble sauropods.
How far back does the Bu$Hitler-Cheney-
Halliburton connection go? We know that while
King George I was President, Dickhead Cheney
was busy selling out America to foreign oil
interests as a Congressman (come on, he was
from Wyoming. WYOMING!) and that KGBI's
father was a Nazi stooge making a family
fortune with the blood of 6 million Jews.
But what about before then? See the
progression? Millions of dead Iraqis. Millions of dead Jews. Millions of dead velociraptors.
And what about the oil? We all know that
today's oil is the cenozoic's carbon-based
remains of deciduous forests and prancing
sylvan creatures. So while Halliburton today
is trading blood for oil, Halliburton then
was creating the oil from the very remains of
the dinosaurs. And they say Saddam has mass
graves? There is a mass grave inside the
fuel tank of every SUV.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Mind you, at least if global warming killed
off all the clowns, that wouldn't be bad.

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

I'll tell you why the dinosaurs went extinct.

Cheap tequila.

[Cricket]

"As a dog will invite chiggers to clamp onto his flesh and sap away his very life essence, we too must reach out to our third world neighbors and give them complete regulatory control over our industry and trade."

Brilliant.

[Cricket]

Question: If the dinosaurs were 'broiled alive' like lobsters on my grill, why do we have fossil fuel? There would have been precious little flesh rotting off those carcasses...oh, I get it. This is a prehistoric justification for the fuel crisis and watching energy consumption. Spiral reasoning with circular logic.

[Swiftie 4 Kerry]

I myself saw The Day After Tomorrow the day before yesterday, and have decided that the day after tomorrow, I need to go to church to pray that God sends John F. Kerry to the White House on what will be, at that time, the day after tomorrow.

Only an immediate and sudden shift in the electorate can stop huge tidal waves surging down the streets of New York City, and giant tornadoes from surging through Los Angeles, and countless plagues in other urban coastal locales which, not coincidentally, all vote Democrat. Is it fair that residents in Buffalo, New York will wake up one day to massive global-warming-induced blizzards? Or that Canadians will move South to escape the frigid cold? THESE people have never voted for Bush or his oil-company pals.

[Northe]

Paragraph 4 was great and the other line that had me rolling:

"super-intelligent tornadoes seek out and destroy major Los Angeles tourist attractions, and gusts of cold air chase people down library hallways."

Truly chilling.

[JannyMae]

Wow, Cricket! That is so profound! I am really impressed. Confused, but impressed! *passes the bong*

[Scott R]

I, for one, welcome our new UN overlords and wish to thank President-elect Kerry for making it all possible.

[McGehee]

You're all wrong. What caused the dinosaurs to go extinct, is identified here:

http://www.mcgeheezone.com/blogoSFERICS/index.php/weblog/comments/773/

[JannyMae]

McGehee, thanks for that link! Funny stuff! And most probably true!

[Cricket]

Janny Mae, it is the power of the bong and the lumens that light the liberal reasoning that enable me to make these quantum leaps of sh***y logic. I actually had a dweeb on another board tell me that all the PRO BUSH
sites and links and blogs I put up on that board were
(breathing deeply and adjusting tin hat)'conspiracy sites.'

Just goes to show you what we have to deal with. Oh, and Joseph Sobran thinks the Swifties used 527s to pay for their ads.

[Sobek]

Didn't anyone notice that the lunar eclipse just happened to be on the very night the Boston Red Sox won the Super Bowl? It's not a coincidence, my hairy friends. No coincidence at all.

[JannyMae]

Well, Cricket, libbies are afraid of facts, as they don't support their talking points. Don't forget that, and as you inhale from the bong, remind yourself that, "liberal," and, "reasoning," do not belong in the same sentence together. Then the sh&*ty logic will easily filter its way in through that tin hat! See you on November 3rd, when I celebrate Bush's re-el....er, I mean, when I go out and vote for Kerry!

[JannyMae]

Bush won! Bush won! Ooops...did I say that?