He Blinded Me With Science

When John Edwards casually mentioned the other day that he and John Kerry would make the lame to walk and the blind to see, the right-wing biblethumpers automatically assumed he was speaking in a religious sense. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Edwards was in fact talking about something uneducated repugs would know nothing about: science. The science of stem cell research, to be exact.

Stem cells taken from the human embyro have already cured millions of Americans of diabetes, AIDS, and unwanted pregnancies. Whether injected directly into the human bloodstream or enjoyed as a spread on crackers, stem cells can also cure male pattern baldness, sleep achnea, chronic bad breath, problem flatulence, rigormortis, dandruff, genital warts, and even insomnia - as long as you're touching the screen when John Edwards is on TV. God only knows the medical advances we would make from stem cells taken directly from John Edwards.

Currently, there are 150,000 - 200,000 human embryos sitting in a warehouse outside Barstow, California, just begging to be experimented on. As Dr. Mengele once said, "They're going to be destroyed anyway. Might as well have some fun with 'em." However, Bush blatantly refuses to open these embryos for research out of a fear that some great bearded god in the sky will smite him down.

So because of the Shrub's superstitious beliefs, Christopher Reeve is gone. Thanks to Shrub's loyalty to his 700 Club masters, Michael J. Fox will never talk to his feet in a wacky TV sitcom again. Thanks to Dumbya banning stem cell research, John Kerry's icon and mentor, his beloved Ronald Reagan, lies in a hopeless vegetative state, unable to speak the words he'd most suredly want to tell his fellow Americans: "Help is on the Way!"

Comments

[aelfheld]

A couple of minor points.

Primus, Ronald Reagan is dead.

Secundus, John F---ing Kerry's icon and mentor died September 2, 1969.

The only thing lying "in a hopeless vegetative state" is John F---ing Kerry's campaign, though there is some speculation that John F---ing Kerry wouldn't object to seeing Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry in a similar state.

[Lune]

Larry infected the Commissar's chat room this evening, I feel violated and hurt. Having a soft commie, like Larry, taint our evening was very unwelcome, only true comrades are welcome!

[Robert Speirs]

Kerrybot 2004. Gestures taken from Mondale and Dukakis. Talking points from Clinton. Hair from JFK primus. Ideas from - scratch that, he had no ideas.

Weirdest gesture - pulling, as though on a bar just in front of him. Run away! Prep school sculling flashback! We'd better vote for this guy so we can keep him locked up in the White House, deluged with appointments to award grants to the Eastern Malawian Housing Authority and sign treaties to make sure everyone has enough nuclear material so they don't get mad at us, especially Kim Jong-Il. If the flow of treaties and meetings slows down he might get loose.

[Lune]

Even though it was a joke I can't leave that comment sitting there. Larry is the best and I was sad that he could only spend a few minutes in the commissar's chat.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

First, Liberal Larry was calling Reagan
Bu$Hitler's mentor. Not Kerry's. Although
the sentence could have been arranged better
(Larry calls that "nuance").

Second, Reagan isn't dead. They faked that
whole funeral to divert media attention
away from the quagmire in Iraq.

[Gullyborg]

I thought John F. Kerry's idol and mentor
was John F. Kennedy. Didn't he die in
November of 1963?

[La Femme Crickita]

Death itself is so nuanced. It is sleep 'apnea' unless you have aches and pains. Then it is sleep achnea and there is Tylenol PM laced with cyanide for the Kool-Aid
drinkers who are OC about passing the bong. Sheesh.

For the treehugging, whale singing green people, there is soy milk laced with fake tryptophane.

I too, want to touch the screen and know that if I douse myself with oil that Kedwards Cures.

[Liberal Larry]

Reagan is indeed Kerry's mentor, which is why Kerry keeps comparing himself to the Gipper in the debates. Bush has only mentioned Reagan once, and hardly ever talks about Cheney's lesbian daughter. Obviously, Kerry cares more about these people than Bush does.

[Kneave Riggall]

Gullyborg --

Yes, JFK I died in 1963. However, JFK II's idol and mentor was Ho Chi Minh, who died November 2/3, 1969 (date depends upon your side of the international dateline).

[Kneave Riggall]

Gullyborg and Aelfheld --

My apologies: Ho Chi Minh died September 2/3, 1969, not November 2/3.

[aelfheld]

Kneave Riggall, I'm impressed that you got the reference; Any minor mistakes are hardly worth mentioning.

[Calliope]

Precisely Larry. Even RONALD REAGAN (and G-D only knows how dumb he was) would know that unborn children should be destroyed for medical experiments that may benefit Democratic party consituents. Its self evident. As 'Jamie' from lesbians for abortion rights brought up at my house last night, what if she wants to sacrifice her implanted embryo to science? Why doesn't she have that CHOICE? Why does George Dumbya Chimpboy Shrub Shrimp Bush want to deny women the right to medical care?

BTW, my reich-wing neighbor approached us again when we were painting our 'Lesbians for Abortion Rights!' and 'Keep your hand off my Bush' signs in my garage last night and started his BS about how it was stupid for lesbians to protest about abortion rights. 'Jamie' and 'Michele' got behind him and smacked him unconscious with a 2x4 I had in my garage. Then 'Jamie' siphoned some gas out of my car and we painted a swastika on his yard. Heh. The fecking Nazi.

*passes the bong*

Hey...who has the Doritos?

[State of Jefferson]

It should be obvious from the situation why Shrub is really against stem cell research. The KKKorporations which he and Darth Cheney represent are not poised to make money from stem cell research, but they are poised to make money from the blood of innocent Middle Eastern suicide bombers. Hence, they allow perfectly useful fetuses to spoil, while they encourage the death of young people in the middle east by supporting the Zionists.

[Swiftie 4 Kerry]

I didn't know that embryos cured genital warts. I might have to change my mind on the issue.

So what do I do again? Do I smear some on the infected area while watching Edwards on TV? Does it have to be a live broadcast? Does he have to be talking about stem cell research at the time of my hoped-4 healing, or will a rant on Haliburton do?

Please be forthcoming with any advice you might have, so I can make plans for the weekend.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Well you can understand how I got confused after watching Dumbya speak. I think I lost 20 IQ points just watching the chimp blather on and on about tax cuts. When Kerry wins the election on November 3, we will all be smarter, especially those of us in wheelchairs.

[Liberal Larry]

Vishnu, there's no such thing as "tax cuts". They're called "tax giveaways". "Tax cuts" incorrectly implies that the money is yours to begin with.

[JannyMae]

Whoa, why is it stupid for lesbians to protest abortion rights? What if they find out that their sperm donor wasn't who the clinic said he was? Wouldn't want some Bushites genes for "their" child! (inhales deeply on bong...holds it...holds it...lets it out) Doritos? I have some, but you'll have to take the cool ranch ones...I crave the nacho ones too strongly to share them! (passes the bong) Oh, and about those deep friend twinkies...oh, never mind!

[La Femme Crickita]

Janny Mae I has the doctah peppah fo yo nacho enjoyment enhancement. Then fo duzurt, hash brownies with cream cheese frostin' flavored with Kahlua.

I don't drink, but I will take that bong and pass it on.

[La Femme Crickita]

As to Tuhrayza's vegetative state, why do you think he has Breck Boy? And that case in Florida about the braindead wife? Jeb Bush being governor? I smell a plot.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Liberal Larry: that was my point exactly! The more Bu$Hitler babbles about these so-called "cuts" the more you know he is just a trained monkey in a suit. Granted, it is a really nice suit. Someone should compliment Laura on the way she dresses her husband. But I digress. Bushit's whole policy is flawed because it is based on the false presumption that the money belongs to the people. I mean seriously, the government prints the stuff, right? So shouldn't Uncle Sam decide who gets how much, just like a benevolent father rationing out the allowence to the kids based on how responsible they demonstrate themselves to be? No wonder people like me get confused hearing him talk. That and the way he mispronounces everything. NEW KLEE ER. Say it with me: NEW KLEE ER.

[La Femme Crickita]

Then there are the facial tics that seemed to take over his face whenever Senator Kerry in his mesmerizing voice and soothing Brahmin accented English began to speak.
I thought Bush was reacting to his voice exactly the same
way I would to nails being dragged down a chalkboard.
"No way," I thought to myself, but then kept watching in horrible fascination, as Kerry, the Jedi of the left, continued to exercise the power of his voice...

[Bush 2004]

John Edwards is the Second Coming!! He can do fabulous tricks! Like:
Bring France to our side!
End Global Warming started by Bush!
Heal the diseased and cure the sick!
Destroy Republicans with the wave of a hand!
Walk on shark infested waters and come out unscathed!
Make seeds that make Money Trees!

and Best of ALL:
Get nailed to the cross!

[The Babe]

And do all that without mussing his hair.

[Homer]

mmmmmmm stem cells .......

[Samantha]

i don't like bush at all!!!! i'm part of the youth of america and i wish i could vote for kerry....but i can't!!! But GO KERRY!!!!! cuz bush got us into to0o much of a mess and..al watch ferinheit 9/11 please!!!