Bush in Deep Al Qaqaa

Well, I'm back from a wild, four day hunting trip. You heard me right: HUNTING. With a GUN!

Don't worry, I'm not becoming a NRA gun nut conservative or anything. Right-wingers have fueled the common misconception that liberals are all a bunch of sprout-eating sissy boys who don't have the cajones to hunt down Bambi and shoot him in the ass. But I'm not only an environmentalist, but a mad rapist of the environment as well. Yep, you better believe it, bub! I'm a big, macho huntin' man, with a great big gun that I like to fire off because my penis is too small, and I don't take no guff from pansy-assed chickenhawks.

As usual, I "bucked a bag", as we huntin' men like to say - a thirty-seven pounder, at that. Ah, the glares of envy as I rolled into town with the carcass of the vanquished beast on the hood of my Toyota Prius! When I got home, I couldn't help but strut around my cervine trophy in full macho camo fatigues, pounding my chest and grunting like a meat-eating subanimal before crawling inside to watch the World Series.

Ah, baseball, the great American pastime. Right up there with churchgoin' and cleaning your gun after a good huntin' trip, if you ask me. I'm proud to say that I'm a devoted White Sox fan, and hope they wallop and trounce the Green Sox, or whomever it is they are playing. Julio Manuega is perhaps the best player in the sport today, and I'm sure he'll get his fair share of touchdowns on the ol' baseball square this week. I'll watch every single game - provided I'm not out huntin' varmints with my boomstick.

Anyway, there was a pile of email and news waiting for me when I got home and I'll probably spend the next couple of days playing catch-up.

First and foremost, it appears that our beloved Papa has taken a tumble. Needless to say, I instinctively suspected that the Shrub was behind it and had taken out poor Fidel just as he had taken out Che'. But it appears the great man simply became woozy at the thought of how his children are suffering at the hands of Bush's evil embargo, and fell off the stage. Thankfully, Cuba has a health care system that is the envy of the world, and ol' C-Daddy was back bustin' the rhymes as early as Saturday. Viva la Revolucion!

The next item on my news desk is the biggie. Call it an "October Surprise" if you will, but this just may be the final nail in Bushie's political coffin.

I danced a little jig of joy when I read the blaring headline "380 TONS OF EXPLOSIVES MISSING IN IRAQ", but my initial giddyness gave way to feigned outrage as I realized how Bush has once again failed the American people. According to our friends at CBS news, it has now come to light that the pee-Resident allowed over 380 tons of explosives to escape Iraq. In his headlong rush to war, he failed to move our troops into Bagdhad fast enough, and thus allowed tons of weapons to slip through our grasp.

Please keep in mind that these are not the fabled Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD's) that Saddam never had, but rather smaller, less pointy, Weapons of Tolerable Destruction (WTD's). They weren't important when Saddam had them and are only dangerous in the context of Bush losing them. For years, Saddam held these weapons safely under lock and key, stockpiling them for purely humanitarian purposes - foreworks displays, blowing up tree stumps, etc. For decades, he diligently kept the explosive material out of the hands of America's enemies. Now, thanks to Bush's incompetence, Saddam's entire WTD arsenal has fallen into the hands of Iraqi Freedom fighters, or worse: Al Qaeda Freedom Fighters.

According to the International Atomic Energy Commission (a non-partisan, grassroots organization dedicated to insuring that world tyrants develop safe & sane nuclear programs), these once harmless weapons can now be used to commit terrorist acts or even detonate a nuclear bomb. Imagine an entire U.S. city in flames, millions dead, millions more dying painfully.

Simply more proof that this was the wrong war, in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

UPDATE:
Some of my readers have been emailing me to complain that I not only held a gun, but used it to engage in a violent act against our animal brothers. Once again, the right-wing has distorted what I said in order to mislead the American people. I never said that I went hunting. What I said was that I went to a Van Halen concert on Friday night, and spent the following three days in a marijuana-induced stupor. I don't remember much. I'm not even sure how I got home, frankly. The good news is that my glaucoma has completely cleared up, and Sammy Hagar has dropped all charges.

Comments

[JannyMae]

Wow, Larry, you've actually joined the Kerry campaign! WooHoo!

[W.R.X.]

Anyone else see Kerry on Conan the other night?

...yeah, that's all I got today. Sorry.

[aelfheld]

You "bucked a bag" [sic]? Unlikely. The only thing you've ever shot off is your mouth.

And before you get out the Kleenex®, you might want to take a look here http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/meast/10/26/iraq.explosives/index.html and here http://www.drudgereport.com/nbcw6.htm It looks like John F---ing Kerry's buttboys at CBS have been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Again.

[Moonchild]

I'm a little hazy. You bucked a bag? Is that like turning a cellophane bag over and shaking it out so the last few leaves and seeds tumble out? If so, I've bucked many a bag in my life too. Welcome to the club and congrats. It's a practiced skill; keep it up, and you'll master it soon. Peace out!

[Cheney W. Halliburton]

A thirty-seven pounder, eh? You could feed about a bazillion starving Cuban kids with that much -- uh -- whatever it is in that bag.

It doesn't actually smell like venison to me though...

[Kool-Aid Drinker's Domestic Partner]

"For decades, he diligently kept the explosive material out of the hands of America's enemies."

Like the Bushies, right?

[Cricket]

I have an ICBM get well card I'd like to send him.
Kerry and Conan the Barbarian? When did he change running mates?

'bucked a bag?'

And the NYT only writes all the news that is fit to print, and I am so glad Liberal Larry is hot on this story, that it is just the news they make up. I feel so much better knowing the once again, journalistic integrity has been preserved, thanks to Larry.

[cube]

Larry you liberal ***.

I can't belive you. You are lying right here on you blog.

The UN is the one that screwed up.

http://www.nysun.com/article/3826

"The chief American weapons inspector, Charles Duelfer, told The New York Sun yesterday that in 1995, when he was a member of the U.N. inspections team in Iraq, he urged the United Nations' atomic watchdog to remove tons of explosives that have since been declared missing."

Get your facts straight before you open you big mouth.

cube

[J at TAotB]

Larry, as usual, you crack me up.

Too bad some of these commenters haven't figured it out.

Still no trackbacking from my site, so here's my post linking to yours: http://www.theartoftheblog.com/blog/archives/2004/10/liberal_larry_b.html

[Pile On®]

380 tons of high explosives, wow that could be a real nuisance.

[yayaempress]

Well, Larry, it's been a little while since I've been nosing around. I can that some people have a problem with your sense of humor/satire. I however, find it hilarious and just what we need during these insane last few days before black Tuesday. Keep up the good work and I hope you don't move onto another subject after the election. There are too many good stories here.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

As much as I love John Kerry, I take issue with his hunting and killing of Gaia Earth Mother's precious living creatures. But I understand that he must do this in order to win over certain rural hillbilly redneck swing voters, who otherwise might believe that their so-called "god" wants them to vote for the evil Bu$Hitler. It is a sacrifice I am willing to support, because I know that by killing a few geese today, we sow the seeds that get John Kerry elected, and thus enable him to finally repeal the stupid second commandment, destroy all the guns of the world, end the harvesting of Gaia Earth Mother's living creatures, and redirect Spaceship Earth onto a new course of Global Harmony and Love.

[Impaled Professor]

Forget the WMDs, shrub can't even find the WTDs.
If only we had french and german troops in Iraq our coilition would have possesed the tolerence to allow Saddam to continue his peacefull explosives programs.
(and there would be not need to pretend to be hunters)

[slick]

Larry, you’re failing the Global Test. 380 tonnes (metric) = 419,8 US tons. 419,8 US tons = 839,600,00 US pounds. If we use the US Occupational Safety and Health Administration’s (OSHA) standards of 40 US pounds maximum per lift, it would take 839,600,00 / 40 = 20,990,00 looters. The enormity of the Buushless is beyond pail.