An Open Letter to Sen. John Fitzgerald Kerry

Dear Senator Kerry,

The first of three debates with your intellectual inferior is this coming Thursday. No doubt, you're already celebrating. They say that Bush has never lost a debate - but then again, he's never gone up against the Master. With seventeen Yale debate trophies under your belt - not to mention the ones you tossed at the Capitol building in 1972 - you'll most assuredly wipe the floor with him.

However, I strongly suggest that you not underestimate the Shrub. He's a simpleton, yes. But his handlers are no slouches and will have him sufficiently programmed by opening night. Nor should you overstimate the live audience or those watching the debates at home. As we learned in the 2000 Presidential Debates, the majority of voting Americans are undereducated yokels who would rather be watching American Idol. They're more apt to enjoy the plain-spoken stupidity of Bush over the nuanced effluvium of an erudite Yale debate champion. Quoting from Chaucer may win you approving harrumphs from the chaps at the Yacht Club, but one well aimed wink from the Shrub and its all over.

So in order to prevent a disaster like the one that occured in 2000, I hope you'll take these friendly words of advice from a true fan and an avid Kerry camp follower.

First, I recommend you begin the debate by immediately sucking the air out of the room. Bush will try to loosen things up, crack jokes, and give the debates a casual, more folksy tone. Don't let him! Once you let the Shrub start speaking to the audience like he's the friendly neighbor who borrows their lawn mower on weekends, they'll go into sensory overload and shut down whenever you start patronizing them like the ignorant children they really are. Indeed, allowing Bush to connect with the viewing audience was Gore's fatal mistake in 2000. Therefore, it is vitally important that you kick things off by reminding everyone of how miserable they are - how the economy is the tank, the environment is on the brink of collapse, and the war in Iraq is all but lost. Use ominous words like "quagmire", "squandered", and "Terayza" to pull a dark shroud of gloom over the evening. Have the stage crew dim the lights whenever you speak, and utter your bromides in a deep, forboding baritone. As long as you maintain a sense of hopelessness and doom throughout the debates, you'll be in your own element. Likewise, anything optimistic Bush says will make him look out of touch.

Secondly, you must stay on the offensive concerning Iraq. You have a keen sense of 20/20 hindsight, so use it to point out all that's gone wrong with the war. The Abu Ghraib atrocities, for instance (and be sure you refer to them as 'atrocities'). Point out that if you were calling the shots, you would have allotted extra resources to provide sensitivity training for the troops, and educate them concerning the Geneva convention and international law.

At this, Bush may try to muddy the issue by saying that you voted against funding the war. In fact, I'm sure his trainers have told him to make snotty remarks that unfairly paint you as a "flip-flopper" whenever possible. That's where your Vietnam service comes in handy. Whatever you do, don't let him draw the focus away from your heroic four months in Vietnam. He'll try to challenge your record in the senate, but luckily you don't have much of a senate record to challenge. I know that's your style - flying low under the radar so no one can pigeon-hole you and pin you down. People love a man of mystery, especially the soccer moms. Run with that. Criticize Bush for not bringing "trusted allies" into the war, but don't specify which allies. Attack him for not giving the weapons inspectors more time, but don't say how much time. Rail on him for not sending in enough troops and using a "backdoor draft", but don't elaborate on you how'd you get more troops. Bob and weave, get in a few good punches, and for the love of God don't mention France.

Next is your appearance. Your advisors are probably adamant that you project an aura of youthful vigor Thursday night. However, it is critical that you refrain from any "cosmetic enhancements". No matter how badly you trounce Bush in the debates, if you show up looking like you just stuck your face in a nest of hornets and then belt-sanded your forehead, the right-wing media will insure that it's all people talk about for the next week. Al Gore put a little color on his cheeks in 2000, and the pundits squawked for days about how he was all gussied up like Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Do yourself a favor and allow Americans to become comfortable with your long, stately jowls. So they'll call you "Lurch". So they'll say you look like a human sharpei. Just remember that Abe Lincoln was no baby-face, either, and they put his ugly mug on the ten dollar bill.

Finally, and most importantly, you must put Bush on the ropes concerning Osama Bin Laden. This silly war has been going on for what - three years? And there's still neither hide nor hair of him. By focusing on Iraq, Bush has diverted our forces from the whole point of this so-called "War on Terror": capturing Osama Bin Laden and getting him the help he needs. That's because once OBL is caught, the war will be over, everyone will go home, and the funds he's been funneling into Halliburton will be used for more important things, like free day care for lesbian couples.

Oh, and be sure to mention "Halliburton".

Bush will undoubtedly pull some cheap tricks, such as constantly interrupting your long, mournful sighs, or winking at the audience when you lunge at him in a fit of intellectual fury. I know it can be frustrating casting your pearls of wisdom before unappreciative plebian swine - especially when all Bush does is swagger across the stage and people are comparing him to Will Rogers. But it's imperative that you refrain from any sudden movements or violent spasms. In fact, it would be wise to stay behind your podium and project a calm countenance throughout the debates, no matter how infuriating Bush is. The world will be struck agog by your silver-tongued charm and rapier wit - no need to confuse them by pretending to be human.

Follow my simple advice, and you'll be riding your pretty yellow bike around the White House grounds next February.

Good luck and keep it real,
Liberal Larry

UPDATE: He just had to go and do it, didn't he?

Comments

[Amber]

I literally choked when you said "For the love of God don't mention France." Your site should come with warning labels!

[James]

Lawrence, my man, you are on fire! I have to go Windex my monitor...

[heavy b]

First rate analysis and consultation; It eludes me why you aren't the #1 "adult" handler on the KE04 team.

I know Liz Edwards reads you and the Koz every day so I am sure your recommendations will be parsed carefully by the debate prep squad.

But I think K is going to do the botox anyway...

[Canadian guy]

Awesome. That's definitely one of the better ones. Great work.

[bahabuddha™]

I think the warning about using cosmetic enhancements might have come a little too late. Did you see his face today? He'll be lucky if the swelling goes down by Thurs.

[Alphonse]

Lawrence, you may have the political insight of Maximilien Robespierre, but as Kerry's cosmetologist/hairdresser/foreign policy consultant, I must ask you not to tell me how to do my job.

[aelfheld]

'Camp follower' is right.

[Penn]

A masterpiece.

[Calliope]

Too late Larry. :(

Look like our hero already made a trip to Raoul's paint and body shop. Maybe they can get enough pancake on him Thursday evening to make it less obvious. Then again if they do and he starts to sweat (which he tends to do due to his enormous brain) then the make-up will run.

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Kerry should remind us all that we are not simply "amerikkans" but all global citizens of spaceship earth. there is no better way to do this than to answer each question in a different spoken language. who do we want in charge, some hillbilly redneck yokel hick who only speaks drawl, and poorly at that, or a nuanced international man who can reach out to the global community? it will really show the nation just how ignorant shrub is when Kerry says something to him in French, and he doesn't know what it meant.

[doom and gloom]

earth will be destroyed.
-john kerry

[Brett C]

You forgot to tell him not to constantly point his finger, lick his lips, and tilt his head. His body language will turn everyone off, and I do not think he can change it.

(Thank God since im for the "Shrub")

[tommy]

"the majority of voting Americans are undereducated yokels who would rather be watching American Idol."

" they'll go into sensory overload and shut down whenever you start patronizing them like the ignorant children they really are."

It's this attitude of intellectual superiority that will turn the voters off and hand W his well-earned re-election.

Like a socialist who wants to save the proletariat because they are to dumb to do it for themselves, you've placed yourself above the American people.

When you understand that freedom means allowing people to make their own choices, instead of having you do it for them (because you know so much better than they) you'll understand why the democrats are out of power.

[Liberal Larry]

Thanks, Tommy, and you're right. As liberals, we should reach out embrace those are too stupid to think for themselves, not patronize and insult them. Dumb people are victims of society and deserve our compassion for as long as it takes to earn their vote.

"Proletariat" is a big word, by the way. Did you learn that at community college?

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Of COURSE we progressives are smarter and better than KKKonservatives. Look at our SAT scores, first of all. And we have supporters in all the best chairs at all the best universities. Do you think that is just a happy coincidence? No, it is because only a complete imbecile could believe in things like "economic growth through tax cuts" or "peace through superior firepower." And we know how to say "nuclear." NEW KLEE ER. It is not that hard. Say it along with us. NEW KLEE ER. Not new que ler. That is wrong.

Now because Gaia Earth Mother has endowed us with a natural superiority in the mental department, along with that superiority comes a responsibility. A responsibility to nurture and protect those less fortunate. That is why we MUSY defeat Dubya and all his chimpish cronies on November 3.

Kerry wants world peace. Bu$Hitler wants to bomb everyone that isn't us.

Kerry wants a clean and safe environment. Bushit wants to put arsenic in your water, clear cut all the forests, strip mine West Virginia, and spill oil all over ANWR. And he wants to kick your dog, if he hasn't already.

Kerry wants health care for all Americans. Shrub wants to take medicine away from your grandmother and ensure that only rich white people can see the doctor of their choice.

Kerry wants to support our schools. Chimp wants to tear down schools in the inner cities, keep African-Americans from learning how to read, and ensure that only his wasp suburban supporters have access to schools. And he is furthering this along by encouraging stupid inbred hillbilly redneck right-wing extremist fundamentalist Kristjian parents to keep their kids at home reading the bible, where they won't see what's really going on.

All of this is true because Kerry, as a progressive, is intelligent, which means he is, by the natural way, caring and compassionate. King George Bush II, on the other hand, is obviously a retarded monkey. Logically then, he wants to do nothing good or helpful, which is why we need Kerry in charge, and why YOU ignorant KKKonservatives also need Kerry in charge, because Kerry will keep you from being drafted to die in Bu$Hitler's illegal Iraqi war.

Yes, yes, we are smart and you are not. Neener neener neener. But we still love you, as we love all of Gaia Earth Mother's children. So suck it up and follow along, just as a spoiled little child must suck it up and follow along behind a caring, nurturing mother. This is the natural way, and it is necessary for us all to live and grow as citizens of Spaceship Earth.

[JannyMae]

Hey Vishnu! Good one!

[Vishnu Troll Daddy Earth Goddess]

Well, I do care, so I do try.

[Joey]

Actually, Lincoln is on the $5 bill, not the $10.

[La Femme Crickita]

A FOOTBALL game? Which country? Looks like it was spray painted on.