To be perfectly honest, I would have preferred to give this year's Seattle Hempfest a pass. It was something to look forward to back in the old days, but it has become so commercialized that I don't enjoy it anymore. Even the official festival mascot, "Bongwater Jim, the Man of 10,000 Zits" couldn't get me into the spirit.
However, as Second Deputy Assistant to the Vice President of Sales at Seattle Hemp Products, I was called on to represent. Even more important was the theme for this year's event: putting John Kerry in the White House so that the dream of readily available medicinal marijuana can finally be realized. With over 17 million people afflicted with glaucoma each year, it's the duty of every Bush-hating progressive to fight for the legalization of the only known cure. So, I spent my entire Saturday enveloped in a thick marijuana haze, hawking handmade hemp underwear with drawings of pot leaves over the crotch. All for a good cause.
The typical Seattle rain didn't keep the huge crowds away, either. Over 150,000 glaucoma sufferers took a day off from their lucrative careers to attend the event, decked out in a rainbow of beautiful tie-dye colors that only a half-blind person can truly appreciate. Many attendees remained conscious long enough to meet actor Woody Harrelson, who has been battling glaucoma for years. Several top bands highlighted the festival as well, such as these cool dudes with bongo drums, wooden flutes, and glaucoma. I can't remember their name, and they didn't really play any music, but you could feel the deep vibes of peace, love, and understanding coursing through the crowd like syphillis at a Bangkok cathouse.
The festival wasn't without it's detractors, though. Despite the passing of Seattle's Initiative-75 making it a criminal offense for the pigs to harsh someone's mellow, they were out in full force doing just that. Bushie's Pharmaceutical buddies can't stand competition, so the Shrub packed the place full of thinly disguised narcs looking for an unwary freelance pharmacist to bust. I watched, helpless, as the poor fellow in the booth adjacent to mine was dragged off by the Man, screaming "My eyes! My eyes!" as his paltry three kilos of glaucoma medicine were confiscated, along with the 200 or so Cosmic Spacebongs he was selling to help those afflicted with the dehabilitating disease.
Glaucoma is a degenerative disease caused by slowly increasing pressure of the fluids within the eye, resulting in a loss of peripheral vision, increased appetite, loud talking and bursts of laughter, lack of concentration or forgetfulness, poor dental hygeine, body odor similiar to burnt rope and cat piss, and the tendency to say "Dude" in every sentence. In its final stages, glaucoma sufferers can barely discern their own black-light Grateful Dead tapestries, even next to the glow of their lava lamps. Sadly, they spend their last days confined to their bean bag chairs, staring at the ceiling with glazed-over expressions, empty bags of Doritos scattered across the floor, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon CD on infinite repeat.
Until Bush and his evangelist masters realize that marijuana is NOT the Devil's Weed but miracle cure for all sorts of totally bogus diseases and stuff, more innocent people will be condemned to a world of darkness, suffering, and stanky, low-quality ratweed that some toothless weirdo grew in his basement.
I swear, I nearly piss myself when I read your blog. You've got to be one of the funniest writers out there. I'm still rolling about (Kansas 19:77). Keep up the great work. And thank you.
Posted by: Andy | August 23, 2004 at 08:54 PM
Well, you've got me laughing--and CRYING--for those poor, unfortunate, "glaucoma patients." Man, how utterly sad that they have ALL THOSE symptoms! (the tongue shoved in my cheek isn't hurting at all)
Posted by: JannyMae | August 23, 2004 at 09:14 PM
Dude. You. Must. Write. A. Book.
Posted by: Dana | August 23, 2004 at 09:25 PM
Larry, my company SELLS that "stanky, low-quality ratweed that some toothless weirdo grew in his basement."
Whaddayatryinnado, put us out of business?
Posted by: Cheney W. Halliburton | August 24, 2004 at 06:41 AM
It seems a bit hippocritical for a sales rep to be complaining about an event becoming too commercialized. You should be bartering communally with your hemp undies. You know, 2lbs of organic bok choy for a hemp g-string. Dude.
Posted by: Pile On® | August 24, 2004 at 02:06 PM
"[...] totally bogus diseases [...]"
What's this? A glimmer of truth surfaces from the stream of your juvenile maunderings?
Posted by: aelfheld | August 24, 2004 at 07:40 PM
Oh ow. I am laughing so hard I need to be in a hash smoke filled room to mellow out. Like, you know there are medicinal benefits to second hand hash smoke. Check it out, dude. Brownies, anyone?
Posted by: L aFemme Crickita | August 24, 2004 at 09:03 PM
Larry! You get a job before sundown or we're shipping you off to military school with the g@dd@amned Finkelstein sh#t kid!
Posted by: Chong's Dad | August 25, 2004 at 06:20 PM
w00t alls i got to say is w00t thats hilarious i came to this site while doing a science project on glaucoma lmfao
Posted by: ZiGGy | November 30, 2004 at 10:15 AM
I agree wit every thing u say dog 4 real my nigga that the mother fuckin truth you need to publish you shit in a book
Posted by: Red Dogg | December 13, 2006 at 03:46 PM
hahhaha i read this in class!!!
Posted by: Joanna | February 01, 2008 at 08:03 AM