They Aren't Gay - they're FABULOUS!

The gay-baiting cons are at it again. Right-wing hate-mongers like Sludge are trying desperately to turn John Kerry and John Edwards' friendship into something dirty. This may come as a shock to you bible-thumping puritans, but two grown men touching one another in places they'd never touch their wives doesn't necessarily make them gay. It simply means they share a special chemistry, a spiritual bond that transcends the boundaries of physical existence to become something more fabulous than any of us can truly comprehend.

And that's why the GOP is so jealous. The two senators make a fabulous team, and it scares them.

"We both share the same vision for America," Kerry told CBS's Leslie Stahl on a very special 60 Minutes. "We're both HUGE Streisand fans, we love gladiator movies..."

"...and we both have fabulous hair!" Edwards added with a giggle. "Let's face it, we're fabulous together."

They also share a fondness for the masculine sport of football, and recently took time-out from the campaign circuit to spontaneously toss the ol' pigskin around - like manly men often do.

"Look at us playing football," John Kerry told the small crowd of journalists. "Something two macho fellas like us really enjoy. Are you getting this?"

Still, Sean Hannity and his ilk made a big joke out of how Kerry and Edwards spent most of the afternoon practicing the "hike" position. Limbaugh said Edwards throws like a girl. Excuse me, but the man played football in high school - and fabulously, I might add.

But don't be fooled - although they like to do manly things together like play football and ride their tandem bicycle through great big mud puddles, Kerry and Edwards have a soft, cultured side as well. The fabulous duo recently brought the house down with a misty-eyed performance of "Evergreen" at a Radio City Music Hall fundraiser. Kerry further wowed the audience with a stunning blue opal pendant he proudly wore around his neck, a replica of the one made famous in the film, Titanic.

"Isn't it faaaabulous?" he told the crowd. "Lil' John gave it to me. I'll never take it off."

Edwards - who is secure enough with his masculinity that he doesn't mind being called "Lil' John" and patted on the ass in an obviously heterosexual manner - put his arms around Kerry in a completely non-gay fashion and gazed longingly into his eyes.

"You're welcome, Big John," he cooed. "It looks fabulous on you!"

"No, Lil' John," Kerry corrected him. "It's YOU who's fabulous!"

The two friends then retreated to their tour bus to play some more football.

Many insensitive republicans, however, still fail to understand how two men can be so close without having total unbridled lust for each other's manflesh.

"If I dropped my wallet around those two," said Sen. Trent Lott (R-TN), "I'd kick it all way back down to Nashville before I bent over to pick it up."

"The Republicans are in rare homophobic form," a Kerry-Edwards campaign spokesperson responded to the senator's bigoted remark. "In their backwards, hate-filled world, two straight men can't roll around naked in their campaign bus, grunting like wild animals, without there being something sleazy going on. I wouldn't be surprised if they've already enlisted Ken Starr to dig up some dirt again. Ooooh, I could just scratch his eyes out!"

While they both oppose gay marriage, Kerry and Edwards believe it's a matter best left up to the states, and they'll vote against a Defense of Marriage Amendment when they return from their honeymoon later this month.

And that's just fabulous.

Comments

[JannyMae]

Very funny stuff. One question: Was Kerry wearing his purple hearts when they were rolling around naked on the campaign bus? KINKY!!

[Bad Commie]

The're not gay, they're just heterosexually challenged.

[Calliope]

"If I dropped my wallet around those two," said Sen. Trent Lott (R-TN), "I'd kick it all way back down to Nashville before I bent over to pick it up."

ROFLMAO!!!!

[McGehee]

Tennessee denies any and all connection to Trent Lott. They claim, without presenting any evidence for their claims, that Lott actually hails from Pascagoula, Mississippi.

A likely story.

[JannyMae]

Where were the, "Queer Eye," folks when all this was going on? Bet Ashcroft had 'em holed up in a library somewhere.

[John Salmon]

Best ever, Larry.