Liberal Larry's Fair Trade Fire Sale Extravaganza!

This Fair Trade Gift Shop idea doesn't seem to be catching on. I checked my CafePress account today expecting to see thousands of dollars in receipts, only to find the BIG BLACK DONUT staring back at me. There hasn't been one single purchase since we opened for business two weeks ago! Apparently, my readers don't fully appreciate the beauty of the Fair Trade system. Apparently, I was mistaken when I assumed you guys were open-minded, enlightened liberals who cared about the environment and starving inner-city children. Sure, I understand that some of the items may seem somewhat pricey, but true progressives wouldn't hesitate to pay a little extra for shoddy merchandise just so some poor working schmuck can make a Living Wage.

But that's okay. No sweat. The beauty of the system is that when funds are low, there are always other ways to keep the whole shebang from collapsing in upon itself. Unfortunately, there are no rich people to bleed, and forced labor camps are out of the question. So if this Struggle of ours is to succeed, I may have to resort to more drastic measures.

Perhaps a "sale" event?

Ah, yes! A Fair Trade Fire Sale Extravaganza! It's brilliant!

Of course, a conventional sale would cause unfair competition and grease the wheels of capitalism with the blood of the proletariat. I refuse to take the same path of greedy mega-corporations who exploit the working class for their own profit. So for a limited time, all items in Liberal Larry's Fair Trade Gift Shop will be marked UP to a very special $199. I repeat: this only for a limited time, so hurry and get your BlameBush paraphenalia before prices go back down and some elderly person dies because they can't afford prescription medicine.

I've also added a couple new items to appeal to any right-wing jingoists who read this blog.

So open your minds and your wallets, and remember...it's all for the children.

Comments

[JannyMae]

Huh???

[Bad Commie]

Boy, Kerry will need to raise taxes so we can buy your progressive merchendise! I love kerry! He is really looking out for us by letting the government do its many many jobs!

[Cheney W. Halliburton & the Neo Conga Ball]

It's still underpriced. Why would a guy like me want crap that just any low-income, Volvo-driving PBS watcher could afford?

[Norman]

I'm waiting for the government assistance program for the Liberal Larry gift shop. After all, it's not just a want, items like that are needs. Why should the rich, Republican establishment be the only ones who can afford them?

[JannyMae]

You're right! After all, the rich Dems can't afford them because they are sending all their spare $ to the Beat Bus...er, I mean, the Kerry/Edwards campaign!

[Peg K]

Larry--I'm emptying out the 401K and maxing all the credit cards. Send me a trailer full of every item on your site!

You DID say it's for the children - right? ANYTHING for the children......

[VRWC]

Shouldn't the price be progressive like the tax system? I too believe the products are underpriced. This way you can force us to pay according to salary.

[Socialist Sammy]

Larry,

I applaud you and your Fair Trade Gift Shop. It's certainly an inspiring idea for making the world a more "fair" place. I can see your heart is in the right (no pun intended) place by thinking of those less fortunate than yourself, but I must explain to you why you don't have any sales. Larry, don't you know by now that REAL liberals don't have any money, unless of course their last names are Kennedy, Jackson, Sharpton or they're married to a billion-dollar ketchup heiress? REAL liberals are the salt of the earth and don't waste their precious life force on the relentless pursuit of MATERIAL WEALTH. How can we, when there's so much suffering, violence and injustice in the world demanding our attention and action? Think about this...can you really feel good about making money, while Mumia sits in prison because he speaks the TRUTH? WHY should you possibly worry about a few little sales at your web store when at this moment, millions of chickens are suffering a hellish existance in food farms? Let's face it, there's really not very much money around these days anyway, seeing how the &E*%%GH *T&(^GE*P( ING Republicans have F'ed up the economy after stealing food from the mouths of school children and medicine from dying old people. Look around, this is the worst economy since the Great Depression....I heard John Kerry say so, so it must be true. At this point, I think we're all lucky to still be getting our food stamps and SSI. I'd like to encourage you to channel your energies into something more worthwhile than this SELFISH, NARCASSISTIC PURSUIT OF MONEY. Maybe you could join our march to enlighten people by bringing socialism to America. We need your help to abolish EVIL corporations and replace them with worker cooperatives, promote our agenda of moral permissiveness, economic re-distribution of wealth and secularism in the New World Order where everything will be SO equal and fair for everyone that its not equal and fair for anybody. Remember, we need to share the message of tolerance and compassion with ALL the peoples of the world EXCEPT THAT NO GOOD COCKSUCKING LYING HITLER CLONE GESTAPO DOG PILE BUSH WHO STOLE THE ELECTION SO HE COULD START A WAR TO STEAL OIL FROM THE MIDDLE EAST WHILE RAPING THE ENVIROMENT AND WIPING HIS ASS WITH THE CONSTITUTION...oh, excuse me did I digress? No matter that more than 100,00,000 people were killed by socialism in the last century, hey, every cause has a price. Give up these childish capitalist dreams of yours...RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!

Your komrade in the "struggle,"
SS (Socialist Sammy)

[Robert From NC]

SS,

I'm dyin' ovah heeah. Seriously, that wouldn't even be half as funny but for the fact that I've seen freakishly similar posts that were NOT tongue-in-cheek.

[Spunky]

I can't speak for other readers, but I haven't patronized the Fair Trade store because I don't want your progressive message to be commercialized & smeared w/ the foul excrement of profit.

When people get filthy-rich, they always turn into rightwing capitalist fat cats, wearing tuxedos and chomping big cigars, like a Thomas Nast cartoon (BTW, why haven't we seen much of his work lately? Another casualty of the pResident's War on Patriotic Dissent?).

The point is, we want to preserve your ideological purity, as a spokesman for The Movement.

[Cheney W. Halliburton & the Neo Conga Ball]

Spunky's got a point, Larry (I hate spunk!). To be true to your ideals you should label everything in your store like Abby Hoffman's book: STEAL THIS!

[Strangelove]

I called up Cafe Press and checked on the background of the products you offer. After speaking at length with LaShonda, sh eassured me that not only does she make a decent wage of 77.85 per hour, but that her company has allowed her TG partner to visit the lactation rooms during her break time, which is a generous 5 times daily. This news encouraged me. But I still had questions regarding the trade practices of the company that made the mugs....So I was passed to Maliik, who let me know in no uncertian terms that the manufacturer was socially and environmentally responsible. They donate 150% of their profits to my local aromatherapy center and are involved in walk-a-thons for Gaiea. I was relieved to know that I would just be lining the silken pockets of Big Pottery with my purchase of three Arsenic mugs.

Peace out!