I've been holding off posting about my recent trip to a Bill Clinton book signing because, well, I've just been too damn giddy to talk about it. But now that the afterglow has somewhat subsided, I feel I can more accurately detail the experience without lapsing into fits of joyous giggles.
Yes, the Great One was at the Issaquah COSTCO last wednesday, signing copies of his new book. As a patriotic American, I felt obligated to make the pilgrimage to honor the man who rescued us from the dark ages of Reagan deficits and, using mystical powers we more mortals have yet to fully comprehend, bestowed upon us record budget surpluses. I took along my significant other, Ashley "Peaceblossom" Phelps, who may or may not be a member of the transgendered community.
"Holy f**king sh*t!" Peaceblossom exclaimed as we pulled into the price club's cram-packed parking lot. "Look at all the a**holes!"
Indeed. Hundreds, if not thousands of adoring housewives, single mothers, same-sex couples, and menopausal circus dwarves stood in a long line stretching all the way out into the lot and around to the back of the building. Many of them bore cardboard signs with kind words for the beloved statesman, or wore bright t-shirts with colorful, yet borderline obscene slogans of support. It was a wonderful reminder of how this great communicator connected with the average American and touched their hearts in a way no Repugnican ever could.
"I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!!!!!" screamed a morbidly obese woman we met at the back of the line. "WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!"
She held a menagerie of beanie babies in her plump arms, which she introduced to us as "Itty Bitty Boopy Doop", "HumpaGumpus Hippo", and a naughty little kitty named "Mister Macavity".
"He breaks the laws of gravity," she explained.
Peaceblossom pointed to a horribly mangled doll with gouged-out eyes and stuffing hanging from his torn belly like disgorged intestines. "Who is that?" she asked.
"Oh, that's Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr," the huge woman replied with a sneer, ripping off one of the little doll's arms for effect. "He vexes me and so I punish him, yes I do."
We hunkered down and got ready for a long wait, fondly reminiscing about the glorious Clinton years - an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity. Although Clinton had flaws (he was only human), there was a chicken in every pot, a pie in every window, and a Chinese communist in every nuclear laboratory. France loved and respected us, and we had virtually no enemies in the whole world. Even Shrub's manufactured villian, Saddam Hussein, was contained and pacified. Adored by all for his wisdom and compassion, Clinton brought out the best in us, inspiring us to overcome right-wing adversity and become better Americans - and even better human beings.
"WOO HOOOOO!!!!! COME AND GET IT, BILLY BABY!!!" a middle-aged woman shouted as she tore off her blouse and waved it around over her head. A couple of stone-faced secret service agents escorted her from the premises, her aging breasts swaying like two angora socks filled with marbles.
"We're getting closer," Peaceblossom said breathily. "I can feel his aura!"
After seven hours standing in line, we were almost to the entrance. The positive energy was overwhelming, flowing through us like Pabst Blue Ribbon through Tonya Harding. People from all over the country - nay, the world - had come to meet this towering figure, and we watched with sympathy as many of them were hauled right back out the front doors on stretchers. It was a bathos pulled from a Shakespearean tragedy: scores of women who had stood in line for hours only to faint mere feet from the man himself.
"He anointeth me with his sweet oil of love," one elderly lady moaned as the paramedics carried her past us. "My cup runneth over..."
"O mio dolor..." Peaceblossom whispered.
"Ditto," I replied, shaking my head.
I had looked forward to this day for months. There were so many things I wanted to say to the greatest president in American history. We owe him so much gratitude for giving ordinary people a voice, if not a very reason to live. Thank you, Mr. Clinton, for a lifetime of compassionate and selfless service. Thank you winning the peace, for securing the freedom we so cherish. Thank you for curing AIDS, and taking arsenic out of the drinking water. Thank you for a living, breathing Constitution, and for a woman's right to choose. Indeed, thank you for granting women their dignity, and leading the feminist movement into the 21st century.
"My panties are so wet," Peaceblossom said, squeezing my hand.
"Mine too," I confessed. "He must be close."
An hour later, we were inside the building an near enough to see him. Clinton sat behind a table on a raised platform, a tanned Adonis in a dark suit and light blue tie. On his right wrist he sported a red string bracelet - a gift a dying Ethopian child had crafted, and passed on to him by Reverend Jesse Jackson during Maya Angelou's birthday bash at Nelson's Mandelas house.
"EEEEEEE!!! HE LOOKED AT ME!" a teenage girl screamed with delight, almost falling into a huge pyramid of 40-roll toilet paper packs. "OMIGAWD OMIGAWWWWD!!!!!"
Peaceblossom didn't look so good, either. As we drew nearer the stage, she clutched my arm tightly and leaned on me for support.
"I can smell his cologne," she said. "I think I'm going to faint."
"Calm down," I comforted her. "He's a normal guy, just like every one else."
A piercing scream shattered our already frayed nerves. The heavy lady with the beanie babies was trying to get Clinton to bless them, despite the rules posted at the entrance against foreign objects being introduced into the former President's feng shui. She was tackled to the floor by a secret service agent, her little stuffed friends scattering across the floor. "I love you, Bill!" she cried as they dragged her away. "I love yoooooooou!!!!"
At last, after 11 hours of anxious yet patient waiting, we were finally at the foot of the stage. We purchased our books, and a Costco employee passed them up to the future Nobel Laureate. Peaceblossom took cautious little baby steps up onto the platform, being careful not to slip on the blanket of discarded bras and panties at her feet. Clinton looked up and beamed his trademark smile at her, and she practically melted into a pool of goo onto the floor.
"Thank you, daddy..." Peaceblossom sobbed, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for feeling my pain."
Clinton bit his lip and nodded knowingly.
"God bless you," he replied, handing her book back. "Be sure to show this to the gal at the door, and she'll give you a coupon for $1.00 off a 10-gallon drum of Stagg Chili."
Peaceblossom swooned, and for a moment it looked as if we were going to lose her. A couple of Clinton's assistants helped her off the stage. "It was our time...our special time...just him and me." I heard her tell a waiting lesbian couple as she floated toward the exit.
Then it was my turn.
Clinton held his hand out to me, and I shook it. He had a firm handsake, but not too firm. I would say its firmness was exactly as firm as a handshake should be: no more, no less. I remember thinking, Where has this hand been? How many lives has he changed with this hand? What smells like rotten fish and Aqua Velva? Then suddenly, he let go to sign my book, and I for an instant I felt a deep sense of lonliness overcome me. I wanted that hand back, wanted mine to be held again, wanted to feel the warm security of his comforting, fatherly handshake. But my "special time" with him was over quicker than a heartbeat, and I was already being hustled off the stage.
"Thank you," Clinton told me. "Be sure to show your book to the gal at the door, and she'll give you a coupon for $1.00 off a 10-gallon drum of Stagg Chili."
My head was still spinning as Peaceblossom and I drove away, out of Issaquah, and out of his life...forever.
Truly wonderful to watch the master at work. (That would be YOU!)
Posted by: Peg K | July 03, 2004 at 02:35 PM
Heh, thats good stuff man!
I'm still chuckling over the woman with the stuffed animals...
Posted by: Mike | July 03, 2004 at 11:00 PM
Superb! Excellent post! Nice job!
Um, did I tell you it was good?
Posted by: J. Fielek | July 04, 2004 at 06:21 AM
Terrific post!
Posted by: Donnah | July 04, 2004 at 10:43 AM
I...I...I...*swoon* *Recovering slightly* You and Peaceblossom. Oh it is just too transcendant for mere conservatives to understand what being in his aura...his prescence, MEANS! I will forever be changed by this entry, and vow herewith to go to the next book signing and write about every single nuanced moment in my journal. I KNOW I will get an A from my prof THIS TIME!
She was mad at me because I was dating a non transgendered man, who had not 'come out' as a lesbian in a man's body, so this time I know she will be pleased...
Oh...oh...oh...I...I...I...*faints again*
Posted by: La Femme Crickita | July 04, 2004 at 08:17 PM
Fabulous post about a man whose fabulosity has still not been fully appreciated, but this brings us closer.
Posted by: John Climacus | July 04, 2004 at 09:35 PM
hahahahaha
Posted by: Dave | July 05, 2004 at 10:46 AM
Good stuff!
Posted by: John | July 05, 2004 at 03:32 PM
I was just at a web page mentioning Clinton's foreign policy towards Iraq.
On foreign affairs, Clinton was actually very hawkish and interventionist... His administration was a period marked by "liberal internationalism." Many of my fellow conservatives rightfully criticized Slick Willie for his hyper-interventionist policies, and this was one of the biggest criticisms that our military had against Clinton as well.
I addressed this issue in my comment (Comment #6) at this entry at the 'Boots and Sabers' blog.
The Clinton administration was not a time of peace, but rather, a time of promiscuous warfare and military intervention. The foreign policy of the current administration is rooted in the neoliberal geopolitical philosophy of the Clinton administration. Even some conservative and Republican supporters of the current Iraq war have pointed this out.
I addressed this issue in a past blog entry, on the pro-war Left:
http://uis.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_uis_archive.html#107455604648659084
In accordance with their Wilsonian, utopian, liberal internationalist, and statist philosophies, many liberal and Democrats, including some key members of the Clinton administration, have been supporting the Iraq war... while many of those from the Bush 41 and Reagan administration have been opposing it.
http://warconservative.blogspot.com
Posted by: Aakash | July 10, 2004 at 05:31 PM