Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton isn't just super smart and incredibly sexy, she also loves us with all her heart. That's why she's announced that when Democrats regain their rightful place as rulers over all living things, she'll be dipping into our bank accounts and taking away a few little pennies for our own good.
What a breath of fresh air! For four long years, I've had to suffer the cruel indignity of paying less taxes while working families starve in the gutter. No more! As future Washington Governor Ron Sims says, the time is RIGHT. People are sick of tax cuts and are just itching to bend over and grab their ankles for the common good.
Except, of course, for selfish repugs. I've already seen them ranting and raving around the blogosphere, calling Hillary a "socialist" and commie c*nt" simply because she wants to take wealth from those who have a surplus of it and give it to the needy. In my book, that's called "compassion", not "communism". Still, the so-called "compassionate conservatives" who claim to be "Christians" aren't going to sit still and let Hillary rifle through their pockets.
No worries; your Democrat Party has that covered. Being a "Big Tent" and all, the DNC has been employing felons to Get Out the Vote. When Hillary takes over, she'll combine this wonderful new "Second Chance" program with her revolutionary tax plan and have felons serve as tax collectors. We'll send them around to all the wealthy neighborhoods with moving trucks. Don't like it, Richie Rich? Well, suck it up. You can live without your hi-definition TV with theater surround, but a hungry child can't go without food. Stop being so materialistic.
Of course, rich people can spot a tax loophole clearer than Roma Downey's urine. Unfortunately for them, Hillary has that covered, too. Roving bands of tax collectors will be unleashed to implement surprise tax audits on unsuspecting shops and restaurants. You say business is slow and you can't afford to pay your taxes this week? Well, IRS field agent Tony "Blowtorch" Spanelli thinks you should take a look at your books again. If you still can't find it in your heart to cough up a few measly c-notes so working mothers can have free job training, then perhaps a can of gasoline and a box of matches will help you see the light.
The most important of all tax collectors will be the guys who meet you in a dark alley to insure that you pay your fair share. Waking up in a dumpster with your shoes gone and your pockets turned inside-out might sting a little the first time - but your suffering is nothing compared to that of the senior citizen who can't afford health care, or the lesbian soccer mom with nine kids and a bad case of chlamydia, or the unwed pregnant circus dwarf who hangs herself from her sock drawer 'cause if there's one thing that she don't need it's another hungry mouth to feed in the ghetto.
So remember: when the government takes your money, it does so out of LOVE - and nothing says "I Love You" like a shiv in the liver.