Happy Earth Day!

Today, Americans across the nation gather at their parks, beaches, and fern bars to observe Earth Day, the neo-Pagan holiday that drives right-wing nature-haters straight up the wall.

I have big plans for the next few days myself. Tomorrow, I will be attending a Wiccan baptism; a week-long ceremony which is far more enlightened than its Christian equivelent, as the infant is brought gently into the Craft rather than brutally tossed into a river.

On the first day, typically the last Sabatday (Sarturday) in April, the Coven meets in a sylvan setting and forms a large prayer circle. The child rests upon a bed of laurel and hyacinth, and an amethyst is passed over his aura to absorb any negative energy. Great care is taken in choosing the proper sized crystal, as one too small will inadequately cleanse the child's aura, and one too large can suck his chakra right out his asshole.

Once the baby has been freed off all negative energy, everyone in the coven smokes a ton of grass and goes home.

The next day, the child is returned to the same bed of laurel where his seven chakras are rotated, alligned, and checked for proper air pressure. The Coven Priestess then completely disrobes and invokes the Goddess Chlamydia, calling to the heavens:

"I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the mystery of the waters, call unto thy soul:  Arise, and come unto me.  For I am the soul of nature, who gives life to the universe.  From Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return; and before My face, beloved of gods and of men, let thine innermost divine self be enfolded in the rapture of the infinite."

At this, everyone smokes some more grass and goes home.

On the third day, lavender incense is lit and a sacred moonstone is placed upon the child's belly button to symbolize the Eye of the Universe, and to keep in the little pixies. The infant is then gently placed inside the Sacred Soundproof Box, where he remains while the coven explores the art of physical and spiritual love as passed down from the Ancient Celts.

After the sheep are returned to the farm, everyone smokes a shitload of grass and goes home.

For the following four days, the brat stays at home and everybody just shows up to smoke grass and screw. But on the second night of the first new moon before the Summer Solstice, the child is returned to the same spot where he received his spiritual cleansing. A pentacle is drawn upon his belly with garlic oil, and an amulet of limburger cheese is placed around his neck. The Priestess officially welcomes the child into The Coven with three loud quacks in honor of Daisye, the Duck Goddess, and then everyone inhales from the Sacred Bong of Samhain and goes home.

Now I'm sure some of my more intolerant readers will mock and ridicule these practices, although I personally don't find them anymore ridiculous than the Christian concept of dining on saltine crackers and Boone's Berry Farm to symbolize the cannabilistic consumption of Christ. Nonetheless, I will wish you all a happy Earth Day, and may the Goddess bless you with Sacred Cookies from her Divine Orifice.

Comments

[Aunt Sarah and Uncle Willy]

Dear friends.
It has been a busy day here on the farm. Isn't spring jist like that. When I awoken this mornin I told Pa it was earth day and he asked what in tarnation is that. Well for heavens sake I don't know I told him, but we should keep the kids home from scool jist in case they ain't a havin it. I were quite confused myself but I knew ya'll would help me out and ya did.

I went an' told pa it was a harmonica convergence. Pa told me a convergence was French fer conference or sumptin. Well we had ta go ta town anyhow because the truck had been a shimmeran since we left Mt. Judee a few days ago. Pa went and got a flat tar on the truck down thar and dug a new one out of our grand kids backyard. My daughter acussed him of takin the tar swing but pa said twern't so. The tar wasn't much to look at but the dog still liked peeing on it anyways.

We went into Springdale to git the tar fixed and asked the Wal-mart guy if he knew of any harmonica gatherin abouts these parts. No, he ain't herd of none he says and I explained to him that it was earth day and he sez whose is it. I didn't git it at first but when I did we all laughed. I told him it had sumptin to with harmonicas but just what we jest can't be figuren it out.

Well the tar man told pa he be a needin a radio tower. Pa scratched his hed and commenced to figerin where he'd git a radio tower then got up and bought a radio aerial cause all he had was a coat hanger stuck in the front fender. Sure can't see how that would make the truck ta shimmer like that but pa said he would install it when we git home.

Me and pa never did get to no harmonica gatherin but we did git over ta Erational House of Pancakes down by Fayetteville. Thats pa's favorite place to eat cause it's by the college. He gits a kick out of them kids a sticken things all over there face and stuff. We saw two of them walkin tagather but one girl had her head all a shaved. We figure her got a bad case of the head lice. A bunch of em were carrying signs bout there lovin there ma and cleanin up the ar. Shoot it's so thin ya can't see it nohow. Them kids sure is a kick.

It soon started to git late and the sky was a turnin dark sumptin feirce and I knew we were in fer a tornado so pa tried to drive on home reel fast but the truck was just a shimmerin somptin awful so we pulled over at the roadside rest till it quite ranin then hurried home and sure nuff a cyclone had hit. Pa said now he knew what earth day was, why that cylone cleaned up the yard reel purty like an didn't hardly blow the house down to awflly bad.

Well I got ta go I hear pa's a yellin. Seems like he found the ranch the kids bard so he wants to put that new radio tar on the truck but the dog won't let him near it again

Your innernet friends
Aunt Sara and Uncle Willy.

[Bitter]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Larry, your Wiccan baptism sounds like some women's music festivals I've been to.

[SpaceMonkey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Just seeing if I could out-ha bitter. I could.

[Calliope]

This is great stuff Larry. I've read it 3 times today and it STILL makes me laugh out loud.

Great care is taken in choosing the proper sized crystal, as one too small will inadequately cleanse the child's aura, and one too large can suck his chakra right out his asshole.

*rolling*

The infant is then gently placed inside the Sacred Soundproof Box, where he remains while the coven explores the art of physical and spiritual love as passed down from the Ancient Celts.

After the sheep are returned to the farm, everyone smokes a shitload of grass and goes home.

*wipes tears from her eyes*

[Cassandra]

You are one demented soul. I love it.

*smoking a shitload of grass and going home*

We Celts don't like sheep nearly as much as legend would have it.... honest.

Baaa...

[Aunt Sarah and Uncle Willy]

Dear friends

I just have to sit and rest a spell. Spring is such a busy time of the year but so lovely here in the hills of Arkansas. The skunk cabbage is all up down by the crick and the frogs are great fer eatin by now. Nothing like a big plate of bull heads and frogs legs. Tain't that a bit of humor.

I'm trying to figur things out in the news and lands o' goshens I can't make no sense what so ever.
I waz a gasin at the Fayetteville Free Weekly last Saturday past at all this war an stuff thays afightin over seas. The locals up their in Springdale sayin its all fir earl, well then I say lets be a winin that war cause the price of earl is sumptin terrble. Wouldn't be so bad fer gas to be high but pa only gits about 30 miles per quart of earl.

Pa finally got the tar to quit wobblin so bad after he took one off the hay wagon and replaced the wobbly one. That man at Wal-mart said we needed a radio tar and we thought he meant tower so we put a new ariel on. Pretty good though cause now the radio plays most purty as the one in the cowbarn

I asked my oldest down in little rock on the halo thing what them women were a marchin fer in the capital. She said they wanted the government out of their britches. I was sittin down this mornin drinkin my coffee and still havin a hard time reckoning what the government was doin in them womens britches to begin with, so I asked pa. Well he always got things all figured out. He said it was like when Mr and Mrs Clinton were govner he was alwas a tryn to git in womens pants. Guess if Clinton got into my britches I d want him out to. Well they sure rasin a ruckus just to get the goverment out.

We got another call on the halo machine, was long distance from my cousin Floyd and his wife Agnus. Theys a movin their double wide out of Caddo Gap, thats a bit south of Mt Ida.. Guess they heard on Paul Harvey that near most accidents happen within 25 miles of home so the moved it up near Gravelly.

Oh pa wants me to tell ya a halo machine is what we Arkys call a telephone. You may not understand mountain talk where ya'll live.

What dya think of that Kerry guy. We seen where he threw his medals over some fence over there where the women wanted everybody out of there britches. Ain't no big deal ta us. Why we throw all sorts of things round here. Jist last week the chicken raisen sociation throwd a dance. Our plowin mule threw a shew and our 3rd boy down from the top got thrown outta school fer not bringin his gun to skool.

We had a terrble acident over the ridge past day or so, maybe ya red about it in yur paper. Seems like three of the Jones boys got liqured up and drove into the river. Well the driver rolled down the winder and swam free but the two of em in the back done dron cause they couldn't git the talegate down.

Well I have ta run. Pa is in the backhouse and he run outa magazines.
Will rite agin soon
Aunt Sarah and Uncle Willy.

[Notta Libb]

Check out a site dedicated to the absurdity and satire nature of saying "It's All George Bush's Fault!"

http://www.itsallgeorgebushsfault.com

Regards,
Notta Libb