Bin Laden Apologizes for Truce Offer Snafu

Osama Bin Laden publicly apologized today for a recently released audio tape in which he attacks Halliburton, accuses President Bush of being a mass murderer, and offers a truce to European nations if they pull their forces out of Iraq. Bin Laden, a Yemeni-born freedom fighter and one-time suspect in the 9/11 attacks, explained that he had made two tapes for two different media outlets, but they somehow were mixed up in the mail. As a result, the recording Al Jazeera received was actually an audition tape meant for Air America, the fledgling progressive radio network.

"This war makes millions of dollars for big corporations, either weapons manufacturers or those working in the reconstruction of Iraq, such as Halliburton and its sister companies..." the voice on the tape said. "It is crystal clear who benefits from igniting the fire of this war and this bloodshed: They are the merchants of war, the bloodsuckers who run the policy of the world from behind the scenes. President Bush and his ilk, the media giants, and the U.N. ... all are a fatal danger to the world, and the Zionist lobby is their most dangerous member. Thank you, and stay tuned for The Majority Report with Janeane Garafolo."

Bin Laden, who has been auditioning for a talk radio spot on Air America since Saddam Hussein turned down an offer several weeks ago, expressed his sincere apologies over the mix-up.

"Talk about a total brainfart," he told reporters at his Berkeley, California home. "This is more embarassing than the time Susan Sarandon and I got our speeches mixed up at a Howard Dean rally. I still get called 'Thelma' over that one. Needleless to say, we no longer have the same speechwriter."

Meanwhile, Air America has stopped airing Bin Laden's Al Jazeera tape, which they originally mistook for a moveon.org political ad. Once they were informed of the snafu, network executives decided to give Bin Laden a one hour program in an evening time slot.

"The man has talent," said Linda Hisse-Fitz, Air America's program director. "He's angry, he's loud, he's extreme - he's the progessive Michael Savage."

Although Bin Laden is known for using graphic language about killing "American infidels" and drowning the "Zionist invaders" in their own blood, Hisse-Fitz was certain it was simply part of his metaphorical speaking style.

"You right-wingers take everything so literally. Go to college and get an education."

Comments

[Dana]

Priceless. In fact, maybe your best piece yet.

[Steve]

Ditto! Truly priceless! ROFL!

[BarCodeKing]

Linda Hisse-Fitz? Bwahahahahaha!

[JannyMae]

Linda Hisse-Fitz! I haven't laughed out loud so long in a long time! Thanks!