Andy Rooney; Man of the People

I must confess that there was a time when I believed Andy Rooney was losing his mind. His 60 Minutes segments over the past couple of years have often been rude, bigoted, and extremely insulting. His infamous "Women are Too Dumb to Live" and "My Queer Doorman" rants were especially offensive. However, he won my heart with his recent attacks on Mel Gibson's religious propaganda film, and his latest column redeems him greatly in my eyes.

As Rooney explains, the troops are not the heroes that the jingoist hordes would have us believe. They are, in fact, victims - victims of Bush's evil War for Oil just like the rest of us. They aren't brave, gung-ho, Rambo-clones storming through the streets of Baghdad to kill the enemy with their bare hands, but rather helpless children who hate Bush and want to come home to mommy. Alot of them are under the misguided belief that they are fighting for something, which means those of us on the progressive left need to work harder to make them realize the exact opposite is true.

Rooney is no stranger to controversy, having cut his journalist teeth writing war commentary for the Stars & Stripes during World War II. Here's an excerpt from his final column:

"Ever wonder what Hitler was thinking when he grew that mustache? It looks like it's only half done. One would think that a fascist dictator with hundreds of barbers at his beck and call could grow a decent mustache. Why is is so hard to get a decent donut in France? Now, that Josef Stalin has a great mustache, and a nice head of hair, too. All our leaders are bald. Ike? Bald. Patton? Bald. Churchill? Bald. Roosevelt? Balding. Ever wonder why American presidents stopped wearing ponytails? Why is that? Millord Fillmore didn't have a ponytail, but he did have a girl's name. Do you think Millord Fillmore's staff called him "Millie" behind his back? Eleanor Roosevelt has a nice head of hair, but a face like a horse. One would think that the wife of the most powerful man in the world could put on a little make-up now and then and make herself look presentable. What is it with Patton and his pearl-handled pistols, anyway? You know what Freud would say about that. Far be it from me to assume what Freud would say, but if I were Freud, I would say it means he's a queer. Queers typically have nice heads of hair. Why is that?"

Rooney spent the remainder of the war in an army hospital being treated for severe, pistol-shaped head wounds. It was there that he penned his famous treatise, "Ever Wonder Why Nurses Have Such Fat Cabooses?". It was shortly afterwards that a young Pvt. Mike Wallace found him crammed into a dumpster behind the hospital, and the rest is history.

Andy Rooney knows full well the price one pays for patriotic dissent. Still, I have no doubt that Right Wing Attack Machine will make his life miserable for the next few weeks. I can see the flood of hate mail now.

I just hope it doesn't give him a cynical outlook on life.

Comments

[Calliope]

Gawd that's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Oh my I have tears in my eyes I laughed so hard.

"Rooney spent the remainder of the war in an army hospital being treated for severe, pistol-shaped head wounds."

Hee hee, hoo hoo!

You're a very talented writer. Love your stuff. :D

[Matt Walter]

I cannot stand all of this bickering between us here in the great USA. First, the average soldier has a higher education than the average US citizen. You cannot get in the service without a high school diploma or GED with 12 college hours. To say we are ignorant, or do not know what we are doing or blindly following, well that would be the dumbest of coments I have heard yet. Second and probably the most important, the people we are fighting do not like us and don't care about what Demacrats nor Replicans think. They want to destroy our way of life. If that means waiting for us to change to a weaker president, than that's what they will do. We must defend our way of life, at all cost, because if we don't, we would'nt be able to hold discussions like this at all, we will be told what to do and when to do it, or DIE! Third and finally, the soldiers from past to present, have fought for the flag for those much weaker citizens who do not defend wish to this country, but wish to burn the flag. As father Dennis Edward O'Brian USMC said,
"It is the soldier who, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the Poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows protestors to burn the flag".
I am going to add one more,
It is the soldier who endures rederick from the people that he defends, that is made to feel like a lower class citizen because of the amount of money he makes, It is the soldier that protects your family from terrorists, it is the soldier who lives his life to protect the life that you and your family live, not YOU.
I am fed up with the people who talk bad about our Marines and soldiers, and I am going to take a step back into a high school mind set and say, "Say that again, I will kick your ass. I will Hit you so hard your great grandmother will say ouch" Don't blame Bush blame yourself. He is defending this country, not you!!!!
SGT Matthew Walter

[john costan]

No, Mr. Walter, the avg citizen and/or liberal doesn't think the avg 'soldier' is dumber than the avg. citizen, as the avg. citizen too voted for Bush. Nor do they think you are 'second class' because of your pay scale (a somewhat manufactured opinion probably propogated by someone who would somehow benefit from the rumor, you do the math). What MIGHT be a commonality in perspective among those groups is that the structure of the military either directly or indirectly motivates a sort of "brainwashing" of military doctrine, or "indoctrination", where you are "taught" day in, day out to respond in a certain way to things. This I see as a necessary evil in some ways - increased efficiency of communication/action etc. - but brainwashing nonetheless. The problem is when the doctrine is wrong, and the people administering it are wrong, which i think most of those people you mention before see this as the case. They think you are doing your job. But that doesn't mean the job you're doing is morally correct or best for the country or whatever the arguement may be. No one is 'blaming' the military. And I would think most don't think the military are mindless followers, as many documentaries show dissent amongst soldiers even there on the battleground. This wouldn't happen if soldiers were mindlessly following orders. But that doesn't mean that the objective HASn't been spun into something it's not or something that's not right. And the soldier shouldn't be made to think this way either, you're doing your job. That doesn't mean you're infallible in your perspective though, or that you are invincible to indoctrination. It's human nature. Now all that stuff about "solders earn your freedom...you wouldn't be writing this now...", that's not a valid arguement that what is sincerly being said is wrong. NO ONe is "talking bad about our marines or soldiers". In fact, i'd be very interested to hear where you've heard that, trace it to it's source, and see if it's not perpetuated out of sincerity or just a rumor to get people like yourself fired up. Or possibly, just possibly, it's your perception, that you see anyone who disagrees w/the war - i.e. your current job - as 'talking bad' about you. Which is not what's said. Only and idiot would blame the soldiers. Now you realize, by threatening someone w/physical violence is totaly hypocritical of the statement "solders fight for you to talk freely". Either you embrace free speech and rants/blogs like these, and thus can legitimately argue they're worth fighting for, or you want to punch someone so hard their granny feels it, in which case you care nothing for free speech and totally nullified one of the grounds you fight the good fight for. Can't have it both ways: free speech = worth fighting for = soldier good ...or.... i'll kick your ass = what free speech? = hypocrite soldier, it's science. (that's if you really are a soldier, which the more i read your rant, the more I doubt).

Bush is not defending our country, in fact he in essence avoided real military service, i.e. all that controversy a couple yrs ago. Ironic statement if you think about it.

And the word you were looking for is "rhetoric". I learned that in high school.
Bush is not defending this country.

[Joe Shockazulu]

Fucking democrats. You people are pathetic. Go collect some more welfare.

[Dave Montoya]

Fuck all those idiots that say Bush is to blame for the war, because he's not. It was up to Congress to declare the war, not Bush.