John Kerry; The First Black Pope?

Everyone knows that Bill Clinton was America's first Black president. But can John Kerry be the world's first Black pope?

Kerry, a devout Catholic who occasionaly takes time out from snowboarding to attend mass, has been appearing at churches across the country, spreading the Gospel of John. His message: A Vote for Kerry is Vote for a Kinder, Gentler Christianity, where everything is tolerated and nothing is condemned.

Yesterday, the press followed Kerry into the New Northside Baptist Church in St. Louis where, speaking in a thick Southern accent, the Vietnam War Hero read directly from the Bible, his stirring oratory interrupted several times by enthusiastic shouts of "Amen Brutha!"

"We are now told by some to ignore our greatest needs," Kerry told the largely African-American congregation,"and to forget about the pain around us. We are told that, after 3 million lost jobs and so many lost hopes, America is now "turning a corner. But those who say America has turned the corner aren't standing on the corner of Highland Street, where two 15-year old teenagers were hit in a drive-by shooting last week. Ephesians, 5:6."

Then quoting from the Book of Luke, Kerry referred to Bush as "a moneychanger in the Temple", and promised to protect African Americans from "right-wing Republicans who want to burn down not only your churches, but 50 years of civil rights progress!"

Energized with the Spirit of the Lord, Kerry rushed into Riverside Baptist Church of St. Louis just two hours later to deliver a soul-lifting sermon on the Book of Exodus.

"And Moses spoketh unto the Pharoah," Kerry shouted above the cacophony of Hoseas and Hallelujahs, "and sayeth he unto him: 'Pharoah, I sayeth unto thee, unto thee I sayeth, and to thee onlyeth I do say: Let my people go!' And George Bush, I sayeth unto YOU: Let MY people GO to the polls this November, and send you right back to Crawford, Texas!"

Unfortunately, the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the tyranny of evil men. Later that evening, Kerry was spiritually raped by right-wing attack dogs at a tent revival outside Minneapolis, where he performed two gay weddings and exorcised the Demons of Intolerance from a befuddled cub scout.

"Senator Kerry!" one fascist screamed before being struck down with great vengeance and furious anger. "Won't your proselytizing weaken the Wall Between Church and State?"

"Of course not," Kerry replied without missing a beat. "It's only proselytizing if you mean what you say."

Amen, Brutha!

Is John Kerry the Messiah? Could he be our answer to the power the Religious Right wields over the sheeplike masses? All signs point to YES!

Comments

[Gib]

"All signs point to yes"?!? Is the Magic 8-Ball a paid consultant, or does it have more of an advisory role?

[Moi ;)]

I am ROFL.....consider yourself pinged!

[CadillaqJaq]

Do(es) Botox prevent one from donning black-face? Just curious...

[Paul Jané]

*Snort* I love what you did with the picture, minimalist, but it works very well.

[Ben Yachov]

Too late! Pope Saint Victor was the first Black Pope in the late second century. Followed over the centuries by Pope St Meladius & Pope St Gelaceus.

[Andrew]

Don't you like NEGRO PONTE as Black Pope?

[Bysshe Ndanga]

Please may I have more info on the black popes Pope Saint Victor, Pope St Meladius & Pope St Gelceus

[Black Man]

Hello,

This is the black PoPe. I am here from washington state university. But that will not give away my real location. For I live on the island of Hukajuni. This island is located near washington, off of 22nd street if you take a right from springfield drive, right down to main street. There you will see a cotton candy store with an old greasy man who likes to - I MUST GO.

BLACK PoPe OUT

[Bysshe Ndanga]

I am keen to meet or contact this namesake of mine.