Last night, I went and saw a late showing of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, just as I had planned. I arrived a little late and Jesus was already dominating the screen, hogging all the action, and generally upstaging all the other actors. Talk about a Christ complex! I chuckled evilly and took a seat in the very back, where I could play my kazoo under the cover of darkness.
I began with a rousing rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar, followed by a couple of John Phillips Sousa ditties, and was polishing off the set with Spirit in the Sky just as Christ was battling the giant elephants.
Giant elephants? I thought. Gibson sure took some liberties with the original story. Granted, it's been a while since I've opened a Bible, but I sure don't recall there being any giant elephants in the Good Book - nor singing midgets or flaming eyeballs, for that matter. No biggie, I just kept right on playing my Unholy Kazoo, watching with glee as several potential Bush voters got up and stormed out of the theater in disgust.
Right about the time the Pharisees started tossing jewelry into the volcano (see Leviticus 20:21), I was rudely accosted by a right-wing fascist theatre pig with a bad complexion. He angrily pointed a glowing red dildo at me and demanded I "cease and desist" my kazoo playing "or else".
"Or else what?" I laughed.
"Or else, I'll have to ask you to leave!" he shot back.
I tooted my kazoo at him in defiance. "The revolution will not be televised!"
The fascist stomped off in a huff, probably to burn some heretics or something, and I didn't get any more hassle from The Man for the rest of the movie. And my readers will be happy to know that I managed to clear the entire theater of anyone who might possibly be brainwashed by the films's religious dogma and become bible-thumping Republicans. Satisfied with my success, I stayed and enjoyed the end of the movie, but was surprised that Gibson had cut the crucifixion scene. Instead, Jesus married some carp-faced chick and then put all the apostles on a banana boat to B.F.E. What a let down!