George Bush Broke the Fan Belt on My Mother's '95 Jeep Cherokee

At 10 o'clock this morning, received a desperate call from my dear mother.

"Damn that Bush!" she cried. "Damn him to HELL!"

"Take it easy, Ma. What's the problem?"

"My car broke down!" she told me. "I have an appointment at the unemployment office to extend my benefits another two years, and I have no way to get there! DAMN THAT BUSH! He sent my job overseas, and now he's trying to take my unemployment insurance away! What am I going to do?"

Ma has been out of work since Boeing laid her off in 2002, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich. The union hasn't called her back, and no one is hiring 65 year old Airplane Restroom Toilet Paper Dispenser Installers anymore. So she's had to subsist on her pension, social security, her 401k, alimony checks, welfare, and unemployment insurance benefits for the past two years.

"Don't worry, Ma. Tell me where you are and I'll come help."

"At the White Horse Tavern in Marysville. That's as far as I made it before the damn thing quit!"

"Mom, that's totally the opposite direction of the unemployment office."

"Oh that Bush has got me so riled up, I've lost all sense of direction!" Ma cried.

"No biggie, Ma, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, dear. I'll go inside and have a beer while I wait."

I arrived at the White Horse a couple hours later. Sure enough, Ma was inside nursing a pounder at the bar when I walked in.

"Oh Larry, thank God you're here!" she greeted me. "I don't know what I'm going to do...I'm out of work, my unemployment benefits have expired, and now my car won't run! I'm going to wind up eating dog food right out of the can, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich!"

"Would you like some more pull tabs, Mrs. Chomstein?" the bartended interrupted.

"Yeah, gimme fifty bucks on number 10," my Mom told him. "Lotta good it'll do me...I haven't won shit since Bush put on a flight suit and announced 'mission accomplished' from the deck of that aircraft carrier."

"Well, Ma, I'll go out and have a look at the car. Maybe I can fix it."

"Bless your heart, dear," she said, handing me her keys. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

When I popped the hood open on the Jeep, I could immediately tell what the problem was - the fan belt was broken. But upon closer inspection, it became obviuous that it had been cleanly and intentionally cut. I took the broken belt back inside the tavern and showed it to Ma.

"Damn that Bush!" she screeched with anger, her face turning a deep red. "That BASTARD cut my fan belt! Oooh he really knows how to PISS ME OFF! I haven't been this mad since Nixon stole my panties at Woodstock! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!"

"Calm down, Ma!" I told her. She was lapsing into one of her Sam Kinison screaming fits, and was already drawing a small crowd of slack-jawed gawkers. "Just relax, it's an easy fix. I'll just drive up to the auto parts store and get a new fan belt."

"Oh thank you so much, sweetheart," Ma replied, relaxing a little. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

An hour later, I had the new belt installed and the Jeep was ready to go - just as Ma came stumbling out of the bar, blood gushing from her mouth.

"Holy crap, what happened to you?"

"Oh I fell down in the baffroom and broke my toof on the edge of the terlet," Ma explained.

"DAMN THAT BUSH!" we both shouted in unison.

Comments

[Bill]

This is a really really boring article. Although the author tries hard to be funny, he just doesn't have enough talent to successfully poke fun at poor people.

[John]

Bush is such a Nincompoop!

[Friend of USA]

Fan belt and bible belt...

Bush and bible start with a "b"...

Do you really believe those are mere coincidences?

Just let a left wing nut skip a dose of that medication the court ordered him to take and he'll come up with the conspiracy theory behind that ...

[idiot]

Howard Hitler Dean wants you to rise up and SCcrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreaaaaaam.

[British BullDog]

You Bunch of losers!

[i know you lie]

wow you all get mad at your own stupidness and blame everything on bush. you all have a ton of made up storys and just use them to try to convince bush is a bad pres. (BUT HES NOT HES A GOOD PRES.) AND WHERE DO YOU GET BY SAYING BUSH CUT YOUR CONVAR BELT. how stupid can you be. o im shure bush just left his important job of being pres. and came down and cut your moms convar belt cus of corce he knows who you are and wold take time to piss you off i mean come on you all are so stupid. you all are so frecking stupid its realy funny!!! and im a kid thats 16 and i use better grammer than you guys do thats also funny.

[16 year-old]

Alright, 16 year old kid. Let's look at the story again. It's called Satire: trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly. The cute little right-wingers are simply making fun of those cute little left-wingers by satirizing what would typically be a left-wing arguement. It's quite ingenious actually. ^5's, Larry. o.O
By the way, your sentence structure and grammar actually suck. I couldn't resist.

[daddy war bucks]

You just dont get it do ya ..everyone knows that jeep belts were designed to fail prematurely they have been that way ever since haliburton engineers infiltrated american motors back in 69 , just ask sandy berger he has all the papers to prove it stuffed in his underwear ..and if yer ma is looking for work I can get her a job handing out condoms (they are made in china) down here at the the cliton library ..

[shayshayshay]

i think this is some funnnnnny shyt sounds like my Mother!

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[O (feckin') Leary]

I'm pretty sure "Bill", that if you possessed the objectivity and depth of wit required to appreciate Larry's articles, your posting would be of a far different nature.

"poor people"? Wow.

___________________________________________________________________________________

A rovin' I'll end up for certain.

[Angry D]

That was one of the funniest things I think I've ever read.

I'd be honored if you would consider linking your blog to mine: AngryD.livejournal.com .

Keep up the good work-- and to the Cons who are complaining, you really need to work a little harder at reading comprehension. This is a satire site, and it's one of the best I've ever seen.

<==D==>

[Geography Dissertation]

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