BlameBush!

Suggestion to Bathe Actually a Thinly-Veiled Attack on My Body Odor

Something happened at last night's meeting of Code: Operation Democracy NOW!.org (an offshoot of Support Our Babykilling Troops*) that I need to get off my chest. In the middle of an impromptu session of tantric sex for world peace, the group leader made an offhand suggestion that "Some people need to make it a habit to bathe regularly and use deodorant".

"How dare you accuse me of being stinky!" I screeched, angrily swatting at a swarm of gnats. "Stop engaging in the politics of personal destruction!" Well, that was a terrible mistake on my part, because then everyone knew that it was I who reeked of cat piss and patchouli.

I'm just glad Hillary and Obama are smart enough to not fall into the same trap.

*But not the war.

Free at Last, Free at Last, Good Golly Miss Molly, Free at Last!

The California Supreme Court's unanimous decision in favor of same-sex marriage is not only a victory for the Gay Community against mean straight people, but a triumph for equal rights. Up until today, only heterosexuals were allowed to marry members of the same gender. Now gays can, too!  More importantly, the court's ruling is a noble gesture of compassion for a race of people that has suffered far too long under the cloak of oppression.

Imagine waking up every day knowing that simply because of the person you choose to love, you'll have to file your taxes differently than everyone else. Hitler did the exact same thing to the Jews! It's a cruel indignity no human being should be forced to endure.

Caring for a sick loved one is also something we all take for granted, but in most states gays can't visit other gays in the hospital. It's against the law! What if the only person you ever loved was on their death bed, and you weren't even allowed to be at their side in their final moments to say, "Gosh, I'm sorry I gave you AIDS"?  It's hard for us insensitive heterosexuals to envision such a nightmare, but it's a terrible reality that members of the deeply passionate and overly dramatic Gay Community suffer through every day.

The California Supreme Court has finally removed the tiny "except for gays" asterisk on their state's Bill of Rights with this nifty new law they've written. I pray to a gender-neutral God that a more progressive SCOTUS under President Hillary follows suit and legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide - centuries of tradition and the moral fabric of society be damned.

Hillary Takes West Virginia!

W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A spells "Landslide Victory" for Hillary and, as she aptly pointed out, no Democrat has ever lost West Virginia and won the White House. Obama may just as well end his frivolous campaign now, rather than divide the Big Tent even further than he already has. Sure, Obama is to be commended for somehow winning the most delegates, but Hillary has the White Vote, and that's all that matters.

In fact, I don't even know why we bother to hold primaries in the other states, especially states where brainwashed Blacks might vote against Hillary.  Think of all the money the Democrat Party would save if we'd just let West Virginians pick our nominee every year. Specifically, uneducated White male West Virginians - the same people who were idiots when they voted for Bush but are now blue-collar, hard-working Americans who are ready for a change, and proud to call Robert Byrd their Senator and former Grand Dragon. It's those kind of decent, down to earth, Joe Sixpack voters that Democrats should be courting if we're to defeat Racist McSame this November.

Bush Orders Warships to Myanmar

Four U.S. Navy warships were ordered to the cyclone-ravaged nation of Myanmar today, exactly 1875 days after Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" aboard an aircraft carrier while Iraq, and our Constitution burned.

The Shrub insists, of course, that these vessels are simply carrying much needed food and supplies to the Myanmar people. I suppose that after causing the cyclone with his refusal to ratify Kyoto, he can buy their silence with a few crates of Spam. But the Myanmarian government knows better. They're fully aware that Bush's sudden display of altruism is merely a thinly veiled ploy to invade their Socialist Utopia and steal their secrets - such as their wonderful socialized health care system. No doubt Bush also has his eye on their vast, untapped supply of biting gnats, as well as the coveted Yarping Gibbon, whose left testicle is said to be a strong aphrodisiac when ground into a fine powder and mixed with the milk of the Yak. Such a prize would be a perfect wedding gift for his drunk of a slut daughter who will be expected to get crackin' on producing the next heir to the Chimp dynasty, and perhaps one day the White House.

No matter. The Bushes are as bereft of guilt as they are of compassion. I'm sure Jenjen will sleep comfortably in her wedding bed while Bush's battleships rain fire on Myanmar under the guise of "humanitarian relief".

Free Gas for North Carolinans!

A special thanks to all you White Niggers out there who loyally handed Indiana to your native daughter tonight. For those of you in North Carolina who have yet to cast your vote in support of Hillary, I have two words: "FREE GAS!!"

Oh, you like the sound of that, do you? I'll say it again: FREE GAS all summer long to everyone in North Carolina who shows Hillary some love tonight.

If you don't think she can do it, guess again. She's already promised a nationwide summer vacation from the federal gas tax, paid for with a new punitive tax on Big Oil. Progressive logic then dictates that all she has to do is amp it up a few degrees to say, a 100% tax on all oil profits, and everyone in North Carolina can enjoy free fill-ups all summer long.

It's simple economics, folks. But don't bother confirming that with any economists. They're all either elitist Repugs or on Obama's payroll.

So to recap: Free gas for all North Carolinans all summer long. Especially for Black males between the ages of 18 and 35. The polls are probably closed, so that means there's still plenty of time to get out there and vote in the more Democratic areas.

Coal Miner's Daughter Wins Pennsylvania!

Future President and proud coal miner's daughter, Hillary Clinton, proved the pundits wrong yesterday and won her home state of Pennsylvania by a record landslide. Now it's off to a certain victory in her home state of North Carolina, where Senator Clinton spent a good part of her youth working on her family's tobacco farm.

Yes, Hillary and tobacky go waaaay backy. She planted it, grew it, picked it, rolled it, smoked it, chewed it, taxed it and sued it all while under heavy sniper fire. An avid smoker, Hillary will be campaigning heavily across the Tar Heel State for the next two weeks while puffing on filterless Camels from inside her iron lung. She is virtually guaranteed a win both there and in her home state of Indiana, where Hoosier Hillary grew up racing Formula One cars under heavy sniper fire.

It's all over for Obama. With his loss yesterday, it's obvious that he's peaked and his pointless campaign is finally on the decline. His snotty remarks about Pennsylvanian rednecks stubbornly clinging to their guns and their Bibles, while 100% true, proved to working class voters that he isn't the unifying icon of the common man he claims to be, but rather an elitist snob. And while democrats adore an elitist snob, the one thing we simply won't tolerate is a phony.

Go Hillary!!!

HOAX ALERT!!

I apologize to my readers, but it appears that the previous story was actually a hoax. I guess I should maybe do a little journalistic research into these things before I post them here.

In retrospect there were a couple of things in the story that should have tipped me off.

As if Celine Dion could even find a homeless drug addict who would want to sleep with her.

Celine Dion to Release "My Heart Will Go On" Blood & Feces Smeared Edition

Canadian Pop Diva Celine Dion announced plans today to re-record her blockbuster single My Heart Will Go On as a new Blood & Feces-Smeared Edition.

Over the next several months, Dion plans to become impregnated by several homeless drug addicts. She will then strap several cats to her naked body and throw herself down a flight of stairs. Her wails of agony as she miscarries will be recorded and put to music.

To differentiate the single from any of her other recordings, Dion will smear the CD cover with her own blood and feces.

Dion insists that her intention isn't to shock or offend, but I can already hear the right-wing anti-choice Jesus freaks huffing and puffing and calling for boycotts.

Conservatives have absolutely no appreciation for fine art.

Thomas Kincade to Unveil Provacative New "Blood and Feces-Smeared World of Wonder" Collection

Tired of creating art that people would actually want to buy and hang on their wall, renowned artist Thomas Kincade has announced plans for a new series of paintings designed to provoke, inspire, and perhaps earn him a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Thomas Kincade's Blood and Feces-Smeared World of Wonder Collection will feature some of his most famous idyllic scenes smeared with the artist's own blood and feces. For the centerpiece of the collection, Kincade plans to film himself fingerpainting a gingerbread house with blood from his own severed penis, which he will then dip into beer batter, deep fry, and have surgically reattached by a mentally challenged dwarf. Wild raccoons will then be encouraged to gnaw on Kincade's fried genitals while he recites the Lord's Prayer from a Bible smeared with his own blood and feces.

Kincade insists that his new artistic style isn't meant to shock or offend, but rather spark a serious and intelligent discussion into how totally shit-fucking nuts he is.

The Dalai Lama: An Icon of Love and Compassion

His Holiness the Dalai Lama visited the Pacific Northwest this week to inseminate the Seattle community with his blessed Seeds of Compassion. What better way to honor his great gift than to attend the festivities with the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my soulmate, Britnee "with Two E's" Bingham?

"I hate country music!" Britnee whined when I presented her with the idea.

"Not Dolly Parton, you stupid bitch," I patiently educated her. "The Dalai Lama! He's a symbol of peace and harmony throughout the world! Love gushes forth from his sacred chakras and splatters all those around him like vomit from a sick cat! He's a Holy Man, damn you! A HOLY MAN!"

"Holier than Obama?" she persisted.

"Possibly" I told her.

"What makes him so Holy?" she prodded me.

I thought about it for a moment and then answered, "Well, he's from Tibet...and he does that Jesus thing with his hands."

Britnee's face couldn't conceal her skepticism. "I'm not all that religious."

"Neither am I. But we need a spiritual leader if we're ever to lure the American Taliban out of their churches and teach them about love and compassion. The Dalai Lama is soft on abortion. He's fuzzy on sex outside of marriage. Totally iffy when it comes to sodomy. Who could ask for anything more from a progressive messiah? Come on, it'll be fun!"

When Britnee and I hooked up at a Hillary fundraising dinner and FurryCon a few weeks back, she assured me that she was spiritual, but not religious. But her ignorance concerning the Dalai Lama and her strange reluctance to put out have led me to question her spirituality. When we arrived at Qwest Field for the Dalai Lama-Rama last Saturday, my suspicions were confirmed by her stubborn refusal to wear the Official Dalai Lama Toga of Happiness, free with the purchase of His Holiness' autobiography, Grown' Up Dalai. I couldn't even get her to do that Jesus thing with her hands. I was beginning to wonder if perhaps her claims of spirituality were merely a bogus ploy to assume a position of moral superiority over others without actually having to adhere to any concrete set of morals. Damn, I hate that.  But I was eventually able to use my excellent powers of persuasion to convince her to come along.

"Where are the Llamas?" Britnee demanded as we made our way through the throngs of devoted followers to the football field where his Holiness would soon bless us with his divine words of truth. "You said there would be Llamas!"

"Shush! I think the Dalai Lama is about to speak!"

The excited crowd suddenly surged forward as the Lama's familiar, high-pitched voice came over the loudspeakers. There were too many dipshits in the way for me to actually see His Holiness, but his words of love for our fellow man filled me up like a peanut butter enema.

"People need to stop being mean to each other and stuff," he spoke. "People need to like, start being nice to each other and stuff, because we are all brothers and sisters in the Circle of Life. And we shouldn't make fun of the way people dress or knock people down at recess and sit on their heads until they say 'I'm a great big fag!', either. Oh, and we need to get rid of our nuclear weapons and stuff, too! And no more creamed corn in school lunches!!"

So profound! So eloquent! The Dalai's words were like manna for the ears of a progressive hungry for truth and wisdom in this age of right-wing lies.

Then sudeenly, there came a loud whistle of feedback as another voice broke in over the Dalai's oratory. "That was little Jimmy Wyler of Pinewood Elementary, winner of the Seattle P-I's Dalai for a Day Essay Contest! Everyone give it up for little Jimmy!"

Then, at last, the dude we stood we stood in line for 2 hours and sat through 45 minutes of Dave Matthews for, the co-winner of the Nobel Peace prize with Abu Nedal, a man loved by the whole world over except for maybe his former slaves and the people he oppressed  back in Tibet (but that's their Karmic payback for pissing him off in a previous life) the 14th Lama of the Lama Lama Ding Dongs, Dalai "formally known as Carl Lipowitcz" Lama sprang forth from a giant spinning yin-yang and out onto the stage in an eruption of applause and WWF pyrotechnics.

Britney and I watched in awe as a procession of celebrities and political figures made their way to the platform to lick the Holy Toe Jam from between the Dalai's divine digits. Richard Gere. Stevie Seagal. That actress with the big tits. All respected Dalai disciples who have proven their spirituality by giving the Lama large sums of cash in exchange for a membership in the exclusive Junior Lama Fun Club. Even our own Governor Christine Gregoire paid her respects, although she botched the Jesus hand thing and tried to pull off some sort of half-curtsey, half-Lotus Position manuever. The Lama was clearly unimpressed.

When all the Beautiful People were through kneeling at the feet of the Grand Poobah of Peace, the Guest of Honor himself stood up and made his way to the podium.

"I love you..." he assured us in his familiar broken English. "You love me. We all one happy family."

WOW! Words could not express the overwhelming feeling of peace and love I felt pouring through my chakras just being in the presence of this holiest of holy man! I felt cleansed! I felt as if all my sins had been forgiven, without ever having to even confess them, promise to repent, or even acknowledge that sin exists, because it doesn't!!

"Yahoo! Let's go home and screw!" I shouted.

But when I turned around, Britnee was gone.

So much for compassion.  Some people's hearts are just too filled with hate to know the true meaning of love.